stressedOH - MY - FUCKING - GOD!
I am seriously stressing out RIGHT NOW! I have NO FUCKING TIME to write this stupid ass final for this stupid ass MFT I class... this entire semester she's been saying that we are going to have a "TAKE HOME" final that would be easy, until we received an email that our final was posted online a few days ago. A book that we were told was not necessary to read for the class has now somehow been incorporated into this giNORMOUS paper we have to write... what is your reaction to the book? what stands out? how is the approach systemic vs. linear? how do you make sense of and understand interventions with the family? how do Napier and Whitaker attend to issues of diversity? WTF?!
Well, thankfully, (I'm sitting in class right now) she just gave us the option of removing that part from the final... I am writing as little as possible, I already have an A in the class so even if I bomb the final the worst grade I can get is a C... but that's not gonna happen! PHEW!
I've been stressing out about everything else too... Ricky's been a total douche lately. He's leaving to the Philippines next week and was going to leave Patches by herself. I threatened to call Animal Control if he didn't let me watch her. That's ridiculous! He finally agreed to let me dog sit, so he's bringing her over next Tuesday! I'm happy to watch her and spend some time with her :)
THEN - - I've been late for 2 months and didn't really think much of it because I got off birth control in September. I've always been pretty irregular anyway, so I just thought it was just my body adjusting to the lack of crazy hormones... until Friday when I told S about it and he put the idea in my head that I may be pregnant. Hadn't even crossed my mind - mind you, I've been smokin gand drinking this entire time! So if I WAS pregnant my child is probably fucked up and would suffer from FAS :| NOT COOL! Either way, I wouldn't keep it. I've already made up my mind about that... So Monday after work I drove to CVS and bought a pregnancy test, took it and thankfully I am NOT pregnant!!! PHEW!!! One less thing to worry about.
Monday night we got our study guide for our final exam for my techniques class... Ok, why is it that we've never even discussed ANY of the topics on the list... WTF?! These professors this semester are fucking NUTS! To top it off, Jada's birthday is tomorrow, my uncle's 50th birthday is on Saturday then ACX is on SUNDAY!!! So when the FUCK do I have time to study for any of these finals or write this paper?!!??!?!?!?!
I am going insane!
On a good note - S invited me to his family Christmas shindig :) I don't think anyone has EVER invited me over for Christmas. It's a pretty big deal, at leasst I think it is. I've only ever invited Ricky over for Christmas because it is usually a time to spend with family... So the fact that S invited me to his FAMILY Christmas gathering is a really big deal. I was really touched :) I accepted the invite and will be spending a part of the evening with him and his family and then spending the rest of the night with mine. Personally, I'd rather spend the entire night with his family but I know my parents would be totally offended. My mom was a little uneasy about me going at all, but she can't say anything...
Stress level has reduced immensely. I have to think about the good things rather than the bad/stressful things going on in my life. This time next week the semester will be over!!!
♥
- Because...
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
bionicmel- December 6th, 2009
hopeful
So many things racing through my mind right now. Because the wind is high it blows my mind.
I want SO many things that I know I can't have. I want stability. I want love. I want to feel like an adult. I want a relationship. A healthy relationship. I want a child. I want to begin my career. I want a house. I want a dog. I want someone. I want acceptance. I want to not be so afraid. I want to live. I want to laugh. I want someone to converse with. I want a permanent friend.
I feel alone - I hate Ricky. He's such a dick. I created a monster.
My parents are laughing hysterically in the livingroom... I want to laugh. I need more single friends.
Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you
- Come Together
-
- bionicmel
- November 27th, 2009
- thankful
Last night S and I went out drinking :) it was the most fun I've had in quite a while. We went out to Downtown Long Beach to The Falcon, a little gay bar full of cute boys. I love when S gets all drunk and starts spewing euphemisms about life... he cracks me up! I love him to death! He makes me feel whole - as cheesy as it sounds I feel as though he brought me out of my shell again. I didn't know who I was when I met him, but he did, he helped me realize it and has helped me bring myself back to life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he really GETS ME! It was funny because we met this guy at the bar named KB who is from Austin, TX and he started talking to us and asking us questions about what we do, where we live, how long we've known each other etc. and I was going to say we've really only KNOWN each other for about 2 months, but S said about a year. LOL - well I guess that's correct. I knew who he was a year ago but I didn't KNOW him until September when we started talking. I just feel like he and I are going to be great friends for the rest of our lives, at least I'm hoping. I know he doesn't feel like I know him as well as he knows me, but that's because he hasn't let me in to his life like I've let him into mine, which is fine... I'm not trying to be anything more than he wants me to be. I was just extremely flattered that after all the invitations he received to go out last night he chose to hang out with me :) and maybe that was only because I'm local and I offered to pick him up and pay for drinks, but I don't care. He could've just as easily said no and figured out a way to go elsewhere. It's the little things in life that put a smile on my face. Like the way he was leading me out of the bar and the way we walked in sync back to my car arm in arm or the way he walked back to my car after walking inside his house to ask if I wanted to come up and smoke with him. LoL or even the way he playfully called me an asshole for laughing at his face when I declined his invitation haha. There are rare moments when he looks at me and gives me that warm Jude Law smile and I know that we met for a reason. It's silly, but it's true. Thanks S :)
- She's Got A Ticket To Ride
-
- bionicmel
- November 20th, 2009
So excited for today! I am NOT at work and I'm at a Child Abuse Workshop on campus all day today but that's not why I'm so excited! I'm excited because today is the day we go to BIG BEAR! Well... technically Green Valley Lake, but it's in the mountains! We are going for the weekend and I'm SO EXCITED to just go up there and do absolutely nothing. I need a mini-vacation to just vacate my mind. So much crap has been going on in the last few weeks - I've been so stressed out. My only concern is the sleeping situation - but I already warned everyone that we may not all get beds/rooms because there are 9 of us going, only 3 bedrooms and I believe 5 beds. But whatever... I don't mind sleeping on the floor. I have WAY too much crap in my car it's pretty ridiculous!!!! I overpacked - as usual - HEY, I'm a girl, I'm allowed to overpack... but actually, most of the crap in my bag are movies, and other stuff to keep us entertained. I didn't really pack a lot of clothes cus I figured I'm going to bundled up the entire weekend anyway.... the high temperature is expected to be about 50 degrees!!! YIKES! haha but I LOVE IT! I can't wait for it to be 20 degrees in the evening! :) and go outside on the HUGE deck and smoke a bowl :) mmmmm...
updates to come...
- I Should Have Known Better
-
- bionicmel
- November 16th, 2009
- ecstatic
I am SOOOOOOOOOO incredibly excited about Almost Acoustic Christmas this year! The line up was announced this morning and guess who's listed on night 2 - - - MUSE!!!!! Holy ShiT! I've been waiting for this for such a long time and they're finally here! I almost shit my pants! I was so disappointed last night because I couldn't get tickets to the Las Vegas show on 12/12, little did I know that the very next day they'd be playing in my own backyard! I knew something was up - I knew there was a reason why there was such a big gap in between the Las Vegas and Seattle shows... now if only PLACEBO would flippin' come back to the states!
One Day...
- Strawberry Fields Forever
-
- bionicmel
- November 15th, 2009
- content
The last few days have been great - I finally spoke w/ Ricky about EVERYTHING that had been bothering me and the conversation went great. No hostility, no interruptions, just straight communication between two adults. It was the first time I wasn't angry at him, the first time I wasn't afraid to speak my mind and the first time I wasn't afraid of what he was going to say next. I felt entirely in control of myself and my feelings even though I looked like I was a complete disaster. I needed that. I've been much better - feeling content once again with my choices. Still overwhelmed with school and work, but that's not anything I can fix right now so I'm not even going to worry about it. I'm only going to worry about the things I CAN fix - and that's ME. I have to focus on fixing myself before I can tackle the bigger issues. Which is great because I am finally giving myself the attention that I need! Living is easy with eyes closed - a wise man once said, it's getting hard to be someone but it all works out... :) Strawberry Fields Forever.
- In My Life
-
- bionicmel
- November 12th, 2009
distressed
There seems to be an underlying theme to these entries - I'm either uber happy or delapidated. It's definitely taking a toll on me - I can't handle going from 100% attention to 0% attention. This isn't good for my mental health. I haven't been able to cry for a while and I'm not so sure that I'm not numb to things... I shed I tear this evening, that's it. I know I have more to shed but they just won't come out! I have all this rage and pain bottled up inside but sadly, not even words can express the way that I feel. WTF is up with the world? I miss my friend. I really do.
- Let It Be
-
- bionicmel
- November 3rd, 2009
- high
I've been feeling great lately - free spirited, lively, as if i can do anything. Sunday was a fantastic day - I spent the day at Disneyland with S, had some cake and then The Bravery :) great day. I feel really fortunate to have a friend like S. I know he doesn't realize it, but that's just becuase he's modest. However, I don't feel as though I mean quite the same to him. I feel I'm just a pass time - a temporary replacement per say... a disposable friend. On good days he'll smile and acknowledge me - on other days he'll ignore me. Maybe I'm just too needy - I just keep telling myself to let it be, give him space, but I'm not good when it comes to those things. I want to be there for everything, I want to know what's wrong and I want to fix it... Right Now! But I've realized recently that I can't fix anything that doesn't want to be fixed. He'll come around soon enough - at least that's what I'm hoping. I really enjoy just hanging out and eating cake. Just being in the present, nothing else matters.
I'd like to meet an Afghan man... or Greek... mmmmmmm delicious! I want something entirely new and different! I want to learn new cultures and what better way to do that than to dating them? Well aside from living there - but that just gets too expensive...
i just had some more cake :) I suddenly have this longing to visit the beach. It's been a while since I drove there at night with a blanket and pillow counting the stars... I miss those days.
- I'll Cry Instead
-
- bionicmel
- October 29th, 2009
If you're not congruent - then the life process stops. Without congruency one cannot recognize their own feelings and emotions and therefore cannot express them - how can a person grow and develop without expression? Life simply ends.
I am not overexpressive - I think I'm not as congruent as I would like to be, but I think I am a lot closer than most people.
I'm definitely not overly sensitive - well, I take that back, yes I am. Anger makes me cry. Talking makes me cry. The Bravery's "The Ocean" makes me cry.
- I Am the Walrus
-
- bionicmel
- October 19th, 2009
cold
Yellow matter custard - dripping from a dead dog's eye. Sitting in class listening to Ben Stein lecture about Empathic Feedback. Migraine kicking in - flickering lights and tribal, green stripped tie staring back at me the last 5 weeks of class. Sitting in my english garden waiting for the sun.
Thinking of taking a trip to Tuscany and never coming back - possibly next christmas. Gives us enough time to save and prepare our families. HA! Stephanie likes the idea of me moving to Boston - she wasn't aware that she could transfer her credits. Well, maybe SHE can't... her doctoral program is pretty specific and FREE - can't transfer a FREE education, can you? Well, I'm contemplating transferring to UMass - Boston. They have a similar program, pretty similar licensing requirements, idk. Can I do it? Possibly - gotta stop being such a chicken shit. I can live in North End Boston :) That'd be nice.
Can't wait for my Halloween party this weekend!!! My costume looks AWESOME! Fantastic Idea!
xoxoxo,
meL
- Gimme Some Truth
-
- bionicmel
- October 18th, 2009
- optimistic
So, I had "the talk" with the boyfriend last night - after arriving 2 hours late. We went to dinner and I was already irritated as it was so I initiated the conversation. By now, we both know that we want two totally different things from each other and out of life. We've known about that for years but I think we're both too scared to leave our comfort zone. However, I dropped the bomb on him last night and I probably shouldn't have said it the way that I did, but I wanted to be honest. I admitted to him that my new friend (my new, GAY friend whom he's entirely threatened by) gets me - he totally gets the REAL ME and quite frankly, he (the bf) never has. He was a little shocked by that - as I was. I didn't think I was capable of saying that to him, but it just came out! I suppose because I was already pissed to begin with so I said it out of hostility. For once he was actually interested in what I had to say about him - so I was honest. I told him I'm unhapy and I've been unhappy for several years. My friend - who I'll refer to as "S" - has only known me about 6 weeks and in those 6 weeks he's been able to entirely pick me apart and decipher my actions, thoughts, and feelings towards myself and the career choice I have made. I am unhappy with my choice of career as well, but somewhere along the line I accepted the fact that this was the direction I was headed in and have tried to make the best of it ever since. When asked why I chose this path I answered this: It was easy! Sad, but true. I'm not passionate about it, I never was, but it came easy to me and I was finally excited that I was really good at SOMETHING other than music. So I've stuck with it thus far. The bf was never able to read that from me and quite frankly I don't think he ever cared to know. That astonishing revelation has made me re-think what the hell I'm doing with my life. S also made me realize that I need to really delve deep within myself and find who I am again. I became lost in all the lies and ideas I had for myself and have become this cold shell that I don't even recognize anymore. Needless to say, the bf agreed. He also agreed that it would probably be wise to take some time apart from each other and find who we are and what we want from each other - if anything. I told him that if I leave the state, I'm probably not coming back, so it'll be up to him if he ever wants to rekindle anything or not. When I leave I'm waving goodbye and never turning back to this life - how could I? I'm lost. I see the kind of relationship he has with his ex-gf and I really like it, I'm just not sure if I'll be as cool and collected as she has been. I'm not sure how to go from one extreme to the other - together for 8 years one day and just friends the next. Only time will tell I guess.
In the interim I am going to figure out what my next step is. I wil call it "THE BIG MOVE." Do I want to do it now? Should I wait til after graduation? I guess waiting would be wise, that way I can save up some money and buy myself a place when I get there - that'd be nice. I'm thinking - BOSTON :) what say you?
- A Day In The Life
-
- bionicmel
- October 17th, 2009
- indifferent
How exciting... my first livejournal post. I guess it's not very exciting since I don't have anything worth sharing with anyone. My Soro friend is away for the weekend and I'm supposed to be writing this theory paper for my MFT I class but am desperately resisting. Instead I've found a few dozen condos I'd like to consider purchasing in Boston, MA. Not to say any of that is going to happen any time soon, if ever, but it's nice to dream of a different life. What could've been or could be if I wasn't so afraid. I've always admired those free souls and up until a few years ago I used to see myself as one. Don't know what happened there - life I guess. I'm in a crappy job, bored out of my mind - I suppose because I'm not learning anything noteworthy and I feel i'm simply wasting away my youth. I am 24 years old and what do I have to show for it? A degree in psychology which is useless to me, a dead end job, a stagnant relationship and distant memories that keep me going day after day. But I have no one to blame but myself. Oh the decisions of life - one day you think you're headed somewhere and then the next day you wake up 10 years older in the exact same place. Weird how that happens. I've become too comfortable where I am and I'm at a point in my life where I'm just ready to be done with it all. Easier said than done - because realistically I'm too much of a chicken shit to do anything about it, even now! What to do, What to do? There are pictures of fond memories surrounding me, my room, my desk, pretty much everywhere I look. They're all about the same time period - high school. Never actually realized that until just now. I can pretty much remember when that happiness switch went off - Senior Year of high school, I was sitting on a yellow school bus on our way to a band competition (yes i was/am a band geek), everyone around me is laughing, telling jokes, playing pranks, and I just sat there by myself looking out the window wishing everyone would just shut up for a minute. I didn't understand why I felt that way, I just knew that nothing from that moment on was ever as funny as it once was. I thought I was just maturing at a faster pace than my peers, but in retrospect, I think that was the day I became depressed.
It has taken me almost 6 years to realize that the problem I've had all this time is depression. I recently made a friend that helped me realize that and has slowly brought me back out of my shell. Actually, it's happened quite rapidly. He just gets me - the REAL ME. Unfortunately, not many people have ever known the real me - not even my boyfriend of 8 years. The one that is 2 hours late in picking me up tonight - yeah, that one. You would think that someone in my field would know enough to get their shit together right? To know what to do in crappy situations and be the "idealized - fully functioning human." Pfft - load of crap. I'm the most dysfunctional person I know. The problem therein lies in the fact that I DO know what I'm supposed to do in most situations but I refuse to - so, I am choosing to stay dysfunctional, what kind of person does that?
Writing makes me sad. I always have the worst things to write about and for that reason I haven't been able to journal in the last few years. No wonder therapists use this technique so often - haha... who woulda thought? And all these times I've advised people to journal and express their feelings and here I am being a total hypocrite! I will try harder. I want to become the "fully functioning person" who reaches individuation and lives and exudes unconditional positive regard. That's my goal. :) Tomorrow is another day.
- meL
